One of my favorite things about attending SXSW is observing predominant fashion trends. It seems like every year there's something else ridiculous that everyone is wearing. As a man who is basically clueless about fashion, I think I am particularly poorly qualified to discuss these trends, which makes it all the more awesome that I am doing so.

Keep in mind the list below only discusses emerging trends in dress among bands and the people who (for whatever reason) give a fuck about them. So, just to make sure we’re all on the same page, here is “greatest hits” list of some of the styles that have already been canonized by the masses: thick-rimmed glasses, skinny jeans, thrift store t-shirts and cutoff shorts are but a few of the beloved fashion statements still very much in vogue. In fact, if we were gourmet chefs, those items would constitute our roux: the base from which we might construct a costume for the perfect -- or at least hopelessly typical -- festivalgoer.

So without further ado, here are the emerging fashion trends I spotted at SXSW:

For Men:

Keffiyehs (a.k.a., elaborate, over-sized scarves): Okay, these are the big scarves people tie around their necks like they’re about to rob a bank filled with organic shampoo. You commonly see these in Middle Eastern prints, which is hysterical. Talk about co-opting something from a culture you know nothing about (oh, I forgot, you listen to NPR… never mind, you’re obviously an expert on world affairs). Not that all clothes need to be practical or anything, but these scarves make no sense in Texas in mid-March, where -- during the day -- temperatures reach 70 degrees. Not to the mention the fact that they’re usually worn with t-shirts and some sort cutoff jeans or pants. Or maybe it’s just that listening to the Decemberists makes your skinny little neck cold. For real. These things are like indie rock bibs affixed to your neck in case you spill your latte or Pabst Blue Ribbon doing a double take because Devandra Barnhart just walked into the room. These scarves win the award for douchiest festival accoutrement. Hands down.

Vests: Slightly less annoying than scarves. Vests are worn by people who love Okkervil River (sad individuals in their own right). Vests are also not practical and they are foolish looking. The last time a band wore vests and it looked marginally cool was when The Band did it. And even they looked like a bunch of Civil War reenactment enthusiasts. Basically, if you wear a vest and a white t-shirt with black jeans and sneakers you look like an extra from the movie Encino Man. A vest? Really? Even your mom thinks you look like a douche. The only people who will like you more for wearing a vest are the guys in Vampire Weekend.

Athletic shorts: Okay, I’m a little suspicious about this one. My friend Zac was actually the one who pointed this out, and I admit I didn’t really get to verify his claim. And moreover, I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’d like to find something to hate about it, but I kind of think it’s awesome. Both because I like sports and at least full-fledged shorts are comfortable.

Carabineers: This one was a bit of a surprise. I always associated these with people who shop at outdoor stores and wear khaki shorts and those weird, enhanced sandals (I mean, it’s a sandal for fuck’s sake: if you want cushion and air pockets and shit, get a fucking shoe). But this year at SXSW, I saw tons of carabineers on skinny non-outdoorsy dudes. Sure, I was confused, and then I realized it made perfect sense. When you wear ladies jeans that fit like a second skin, you don’t have any room to put anything in your pockets. Hence carabineers, which allow you to keep your keys on the outside of your cutoffs or ridiculously tight girl jeans.

Not showering: Not sure if this qualifies as a fashion, but it’s true nonetheless. Guys, take a shower. Seriously. No one wants to smell that shit. For real. It’s not cool to smell like a hobo. And don’t use that organic soap shit you bought at Whole Foods. That stuff just makes you smell like a hobo who walked past a sprig of peppermint. Buy some Irish Springs. And while I’m telling you what to do, throw away that shirt with the holes on it. Unless you want to hang out with the Felice Brothers and Gov’t Mule, bathe and properly clothe yourselves.

Barack Obama gear: Yeah, I know, I voted for him too, but come on. The man is a politician. Maybe a good one. Honestly, that remains to be seen. This year I saw more Obama t-shirts than I did Che Guevara t-shirts. Which is a little disturbing to me, because it seems like the former is replacing the latter to a certain extent. Let’s all think long and hard about what that means.

For Women:

Tattoos: Yeah, tattoos have been in vogue for a while now. Makes me wish I’d never gotten that tattoo of a dolphin jumping over my bellybutton. But this year I couldn’t help but notice all of the tattoos on the ladies. And not just little butterflies on their backs. Sleeves. With color. Lots of reds and yellows. I’m not necessarily against this, except for the fact that I wish there was some more creativity in the designs selected. Granted, I’m looking at these things from far away, but I can’t help but notice the prevalence of “classic” tattoos like anchors and silly slot machine-style tattoos, like cherries on each shoulder. I saw a couple of shamrocks on someone. I mean you might as well get the Lucky Charms marshmallows tattooed on your body. And as for the color, you people are starting to look like someone spilled mustard and ketchup on your arms. Not being tattooed is the new being tattooed. You heard it hear first, folks. Now go get it tattooed on your arm. In Olde English font.

Dressing like a skank: Okay, fortunately this one never seems to go out of style. And frankly I’m okay with that. It’s weird. With guys, it’s all about accessories. Scarves. Carabineers. For the ladies—at least in the Austin heat—the goal is to wear as few clothes as possible. Show off your tattoos and your boobs. The fewer clothes you wear, the more chance there is that one of the guys from Mastodon will want to do you. I can’t feel like I can complain about this at all, except to note that the lack of clothes makes it hard for me to analyze other aspects of your outfit that are present. Because all I can think about is having doggystyle sex with you.

Which brings me to my final fashion observation...

Still not wanting to hook up with me: Not really a fashion per se. More of a trend. And at this point, it’s really widespread. And I’m guessing this article isn’t helping my cause. Ladies, please, I’m lonely… so lonely…